We are social creatures which means healthy relating with others is a basic human need. However, many people blunder through life wondering why they can’t find the kind of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual intimacy they are longing to experience. Sometimes we are lucky enough to find relationships that feel promising. Initially, things go well but typically when the new relationship energy (NRE) begins to wane, which can as short as a few hours to as long as a few years, issues arise and lead to drama, miscommunication and eventually to breakups. If this scenario sounds familiar then I hope you will read on and learn about 3 secrets that will radically change how you relate.

Secret 1:

There are two primary factors that create drama in our relationships. They are the habits of grasping and aversion. These habits show up when we react to situations from fear rather and responding from love. Grasping arises out of our fear of loss and/or abandonment. Aversion comes from our fear of being judged or controlled. Reactions are triggered from our core wounds. These wounds were formed in first couple years of life. They are related to the needs we had that our parents or primary care givers could not meet. When our relationship needs go unmet especially for an extended period of time, we tend to react from the place of the wounded child. The adult in us then does its best to explain why the reaction is valid. The inner-child tries its best to get someone else to accept responsibility for their happiness. The way to break this cycle is by becoming more self-aware.

Secret 2:

Being self-aware means realizing that your primary relationship is with the True-Self. The True-Self is a deep knowing that at the core, you are Awareness, which is the infinite and eternal Source of All-That-Is. A simple way to become more conscious of the True-Self (TS) is to close your eyes and shift the focus inward, away from what comes-and-goes (thoughts, emotions, experiences) and begin to notice that which never changes, the space of presence in which all experiences arise from and dissolve back into.

In order for this to become second nature, I recommend that at least 12 times/day you practice present-moment-awareness for 10-60 seconds. Within a few weeks, you will begin to notice when you are connected to the True-Self/Awareness and when you are operating out of ego-identity. When we are being self-aware, we have a sense of well-being and life has a quality of effortless ease. In contrast to the ego-identity which feels separate and incomplete. It looks for happiness (outside subjective experience,) in other people and things (the objective world). Because all experiences are temporary, when change unexpectantly happens, the ego becomes reactive and challenging emotions arise.

Secret 3:

The Emotional Guidance System (EGS) is one of the ways the True-Self communicates with us. Emotions like anger, fear, and grief show up to grab our attention so we notice when we are going off course. Much like the ‘rumble strips’ on the side of the road, challenging emotions are a warning sign letting us know we have lost conscious connection with the True-Self. Traditional therapy analyzes the ‘rumble strips,’ which tends to validate our victim story and deepens our identification with the ego’s sense of separation. Rather than analyzing the ‘rumble strips,’ we need to first recognize that we are in an emotional reaction. Emotions = energy-in-motion, they need to be moved safely and in a timely manner. Emotions can be released in a variety of ways- using breath, sound and movement. If they are not released, the contracted energy gets stuck in body-mind as pain, dis-ease, limiting thoughts, and lack beliefs. Once the emotions are released the next step is to rest as present-moment-awareness and become more conscious of the True Self.

By using these 3 secrets to healthy relating, we can begin to clear away old conditioning which has prevented us from experiencing the intimacy, love, and freedom we desire in our relationships. We learn to let go of the habits of grasping and aversion.  A new sense of well-being becomes our natural state as we rest in the True-Self.  Life begins to unfold with effortless ease and is as a joyful creative process.