Authenticity and Intimacy

You are in the arms of your lover, passion is flowing and your body is feeling good. Suddenly something happens, he says something, she seems distracted or you find yourself lost in thought and your lover reacts. What you do in the next few minutes will determine if you tell the truth, lie or go into denial.

Commonly, when a moment like this arises people choose to stifle their truth, believing if they are authentic they will be judged. This is the moment when you can choose intimacy or separation. If you are making love and you find yourself disconnected from your lover, the first thing is to become aware that you have disconnected. Then see if you can get present again. Let your partner know what is happening. You don’t have to get into a story about it just share the facts.

“I just noticed I am not fully connected to you. Will you breathe with me so I can tune in to you more fully?”

Ask for what you need to be present. It may be to stop for a few minutes and breathe together, to eye gaze, to cry or kiss… Take the time you need to arrive and be fully presence. By showing up and being transparent your lover sees you for who you truly are, not a false projection. By noticing that you had created separation and choosing to reconnect consciously you are deepening the intimacy between you.

What if speaking your truth disrupts the lovemaking and it turns into a discussion? If you find the energy going in another direction then trust the moment. Let go of attachment to outcome and be in the flow. If there is a desire is to deepen intimacy then trust that being open and authentic is more important than an orgasm. As you both learn how to be present, truthful and accepting of what is arising you will discover that the sex improves because aren’t trying to make love and instead are allowing love to flow naturally between you.

What if your lover has a strong reaction and doesn’t appreciate your desire to be authentic and transparent. Isn’t better to discover this early in your relating rather than later you are more invested in the relationship?

Original Art by Paul Heussenstamm,
(C) Copyright 2009, Crystal Dawn Morris, all rights reserved.

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